Forgive and forget; self-preservation or self-esteem?

[vila_restal]

"What's more important--self-preservation or forgiveness?

Eh? That's an odd choice. I mean, why can't you have both? And d'you mean forgiving others, or them forgiving you?

They're both important.

Me, I plan to live forever or die trying. That's always been one of my major goals, but if I had to do it at the expense of a friend's life... well I just couldn't. I've thought about that one often enough, you know, remembering how I hid in a tiny space on a certain overloaded shuttle hoping I wasn't found. Never occurred to me to chuck Avon off, but I have to be honest--it isn't because I'm so altruistic (after all, I didn't exactly offer to jump out). For one thing, I hate violence, for another, I'd have had to spend the rest of my life knowing what I'd done. Better to die than live with that.

I'd never have forgiven myself.

Ah. So I suppose I've answered that question. It's forgiveness.

I forgave Avon for it, you know. It made sense, didn't it--why should both of us die? And anyway, hating someone isn't good for the digestion or a decent night's sleep, and I do like to look after myself.

Comments

[londo-mollari.livejournal.com]

While I admire your generous spirit, I have to wonder: do you take any precautions now in regards to your shipmate? I would...

On the other hand:
why should both of us die?

You know, I made this very argument when trapped in an elevator, which was surrounded by blames, with an, err, aquaintance of mine. Not in the sense of one of us sacrificing himself (or being sacrificed), mind you. On the contrary, I suggested we ought to cooperate to get out of said unpleasant situation. Whereupon he replied he was quite happy with both of us dying together. Compared to this person, your Avon sounds downright safe and reasonable...

[kerr-avon.livejournal.com]

Oh, don't tell Vila he's safe with me. That's a sore point with us, I'm afraid. But he is, actually... well, as safe as is consistent with our avocations (stirring up a galaxy wide Federation like a hornet's nest) and our vocations (enriching ourselves at the expense of others.) As I've tried to tell him, I'm a changed man... not necessarily for the better, but changed. Then again, Vila doesn't like change.

[vila-restal.livejournal.com]

Avon, you shouldn't say things in my own journal where I have all the access codes, you know.

I do like change actually, if it's for the better. And you're safe with me too, though I can't promise your safe is. [grins]

[kerr-avon.livejournal.com]

Vila, I know computers. I always assume anything input on one might as well be on a vid billboard in Main Dome. Unless it's security locked... and even then... nothing is safe from a truly adept hacker.

The next time I go shopping I'll get a safe, just for you. Can't guarantee the contents, though.

[vila-restal.livejournal.com]

Ooh! I like surprises!

[londo-mollari.livejournal.com]

Change, my dear Sir, is rarely accepted by one's friends, or enemies for that matter. And only a fool would promise complete safety in a galaxy that sounds quite similar to my own. Be that as it may, I am relieved to hear that relations between you and the estimable Vila Restal are of an amicable nature now.

[kerr-avon.livejournal.com]

Your galaxy is similar to mine? My condolences, then. Yes, Vila and I are, at the moment at least, returned to our previous level of total understanding and harmony... {cough} ... yes, Vila, I know you're listening.

[vila-restal.livejournal.com]

I don't think I need to take precautions, at least no more than I ever have with anyone. I mean, I assume everyone I meet is out to get me until proven otherwise, but on the other hand, constant distrust is far too tiring to keep up on a regular basis. I prefer to reserve my fear for missions and space battles; otherwise it loses its strength.

As for your acquaintance, you should tell him that in some places it is considered ill-mannered to kill your friends while committing suicide.

[comradecally.livejournal.com]

As for your acquaintance, you should tell him that in some places it is considered ill-mannered to kill your friends while committing suicide.

[glare] I heard that.

[vila-restal.livejournal.com]

[looks guilty] Sorry, Cally, but it's still true.

[londo-mollari.livejournal.com]

My dear lady, don't tell me you dissapprove of such an eminently sensible point of view?

[comradecally.livejournal.com]

No. It's merely becoming a bit of a sore point. My friends twice aimed that accusation at me.

[vila-restal.livejournal.com]

[looks hurt] But I haven't, Cally.

[londo-mollari.livejournal.com]

As for your acquaintance, you should tell him that in some places it is considered ill-mannered to kill your friends while committing suicide.

A most sensible maxime. Though I have to confess that at the time of the incident in question, we weren't friends. In fact, "mortal enemies" would have been a better term to define our relationship. However, I still thought it idiotic on his part to insist that we should die together instead of setting aside our differences long enough to get out of a death trap alive.

On the bright side of things, our relationship has improved since then. (Well, it could hardly get worse.) The next time we were in a dangerous situation together, I was able to persuade him that death was in fact not the preferable option, and I could even enlist his help in the struggle against a mutual enemy. Of course, then he told me I should pray that we wouldn't notice each other again (somewhat difficult since we live on the same space station).

I would say I have hopes the suicide-and-murder fixation is gone for good but on the other hand, a certain glance at the future that comes to me now and then makes me rather doubt this...

[vila-restal.livejournal.com]

Oh. I'm glad I can't see the future. As I said, I like surprises.

Joking aside, not knowing means I can hope, doesn't it?

As the humans say, hope springs eternal

[londo-mollari.livejournal.com]

Thankfully, I can't see the future, either. Just one personal bit of it. You see, the Gods, proving their cruelty unique sense of humour, decided to give us Centauri one true vision, concerning our own death. It comes in a dream and is somewhat hard to forget.

However, as I explained to Mr. Garibaldi once (http://www.livejournal.com/users/londo_mollari/570.html) it makes us all the more determined to enjoy the present...

Re: As the humans say, hope springs eternal

[vila-restal.livejournal.com]

You dream how you'll die? What if it's in your sleep? I mean, do you dream you're dreaming?

Personally I plan to live for ever or die trying, but if I have to go, I'd like it to be in bed asleep at an advanced and rakish old age.

Dreaming of dreams...

[londo-mollari.livejournal.com]

Since my own death dream shows me being wide awake, I couldn't say from personal experience. Moreover, one doesn't exactly ask another "and how did you dream you are going to die?" on my homeworld. Not because of any taboo exactly but if the question is posed by another Centauri one automatically wonders whether the person asking has a vested interest in one's demise.

(My former wife Mariel being a case in point.)

Which means I do not have many bases of comparison. I will admit, though, that I did ask a couple of times, after my own dream had come to me for the first time, simply because it was so new and disturbing that I had to find out whether it was, as you humans say, the genuine article. Judging by what replies I received, Centauri dreaming of peaceful endings like the ones you long for mostly remember the sensations they feel immediately before it happens - drowsiness, warmth, aching bones, that kind of thing, and then something raw and startling.

Re: Dreaming of dreams...

[vila-restal.livejournal.com]

Dying startled doesn't sound very peaceful to me. :-(