vila_restal | New Year's Resolutions

What is your New Year's Resolution?

To still be alive to make one next year?

I've managed that 33 times so far, but I don't know how I did it this last time. Losing the Liberator and Cally, constant defeat, Avon resenting me for surviving when Cally didn't, contempt and ~~vilafication~~ vilification (or did I get that right the first time?), being excess weight on a shuttle (73kgs, though the worry's taken 3 more off), getting shot in the back (and me not even running away)... And they wonder why I drank so much.

Let's see. I resolve to:

Drink less. Wine, I mean; water's not bad without the suppressants. But booze only makes me forget for a short time, drugs never worked that well on me. And anyway, I've run out so that one'll be easy.

Get more sleep. You may laugh if you knew me on the Liberator, but I've lost the ability to nap at the teleport controls or on the flight-deck. Can't say the nightmares help either: Cally calling to me and shuttles and headless robots and green vampire sand are just a few of many fun and entertaining themes.

Like myself better. People think I've got a big ego because I know I'm the best thief around, but that's just fact. And it's all I've ever been wanted or valued for (except by my mum, and she had to love me), and you know something, it really isn't enough. When you're at the bottom of the pecking order in a tough and bloodthirsty rebel crew, you start to think they're right and you are useless and worthless as well as the harmless I've always claimed.

Take charge of my life. I could've run away, but I stayed out of loneliness (better the insults you know than the hairy aliens and faceless Feds you don't) and inertia I suppose. I let everyone else make decisions. Yeah, I know they never listened to me when I objected (and I was always right about danger, you know) but if I stay with them now, it'll be because I decide to. And I probably will.

Live forever or die trying. An old favourite, my motto actually. It might look like a contradiction considering the previous one, but it's worked for me so far.

Actually, you know that thought's made me feel better already.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Oh Vila the 'Like myself better' part of your resolutions made me feel so sad. Your Mum didn't have to love you she loved you because you are lovable. And as for the others opinion of you I think a lot of that could have been cultural. After all they had all been brought up Alphas and I'm sure were taught from birth that Deltas were useless and worthless, early conditioning is very hard to break. Blake liked you very much and Avon, I'm sure, considers you is friend. Though even the best (now do I mean that word)Federation torturer would drag that out of him.

If you truly believe what you have written you need to speak to Harry about self esteem exercises. He is a doctor so must have had the classes in it but from what I remember of him he never needed to use them himself.

Watch him he makes Dayna look cautious.

Your Mum didn't have to love you she loved you because you are lovable.

Yeah, I know, she told me that. She was going to abandon me as a baby (like her mum did to her) but she said that when she saw me she just couldn't. [swallows] Shouldn't have said that, but that last year really knocked me, you know.

Blake liked you very much

Yeah, used to think so, but he didn't even look at me on Gauda Prime. Only had eyes for Avon. Mind you, a leather-clad nutter with a huge gun does tend to attract the attention.

Watch him he makes Dayna look cautious.

Ah. Now I'm worried.

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